Monday, March 1, 2004

Sometimes I just feel like I’m going to spontaneously combust. There’s a lot to think about and most of it is frustrating and stresses me out. Just one thought can get my blood pressure going and my mind racing and it takes hours to get that one thought out of my mind. I suppose it’s just a bad habit of mine.

A lot of times I think about basic training. I want to get it over with, you know? I know what’s going to happen, I’ve talked to people about it; I have plenty of sources on the Internet, which show you what will occur there. It’s just that I worry. I’m human I can’t help it. I’m afraid of failing. Though if Keener can do it then I sure as hell can do it. Just half the frootloops I’ve met- yeesh- it should be a piece of cake right? I just doubt myself sometimes. I’m too small, too lightweight, I don’t shoot guns and I might not shoot all my targets. I’ll fail some part- the PT test or something and will have to spend more time trying to pass it. It’s ridiculous how long you’re held back for not passing something. If you don’t get through PT you go to this “Fat Camp” of a sorts that gets you in shape. I know some girls who went there that weren’t fat. Just weaker. 

And I have disassembled and reassembled a M-16 before. I’m not very fast. Nu-uh, not at all. It sucked cause my partner was hella fast. I might have sucked so bad because I had my Corporal standing over me and telling me to go quicker and why I was so slow and I am not trying- I hate their freaking mind games they play. I have to get used to it though, that’s all B.T. is. Mind games. Well, anyway. There was a pin in my M-16 that was impossible to pull out which really held me up. And then there is two parts that have to go in a certain way but you don’t know you effed it up until you put it back in the gun. It sucks so you have to yank it out and fix it and try to shove it back in. And dammit that pin pisses me off. I had no nails to speak of and I tore what little nails I had trying to pull that stupid p.o.s. thing out. Grr. So maybe I’m not as bad as I think. I wasn’t too bad when we went down to the shooting range. Granted I had an ex-Marine showing me how to shoot but it is difficult. I wasn’t very bad but I’m not anywhere near as good as I would like to be.

Those thoughts are the ones that keep me up at night the most. It’s waiting that gets you. It’s indescribable sometimes the fear or self-doubt that’ll take hold of me when I roll over in bed and one of those thoughts will hit me. It’s frustrating. Waiting for it, I guess, is what makes it so hard. The countdown. I’m not one of those people who can't stand to be away from home but I am going to miss my family. The prospect of being shipped out to the Middle East makes me worry more. I will be gone from my family maybe 6 or more months as of June 15. The idea of having to be gone for 2 years in a hostile country- especially not with my unit that already left, I’d be thrown into another one full of strangers- really makes me just want to stay home and hide under my covers. I would like to serve my country- that’s why I joined the National Guard. I need the money, true, but I joined N.G. because it worked with my schedule. A weekend a month, two weeks a year, and you would stay in your state. It’s so irritating how National Guardsmen and women are always sent out. We’re NATIONAL. Not International! If I wanted to be shipped out of this country then I would have joined active Army damn you. Ugh, I’m so sick of all this BS N.G. is getting put through. Those men and women in my unit should be home now. They should be in our armory doing what they’re supposed to be doing. Fuck their policy of being called up on active duty. I hate this. There is so much change going on the military I’m afraid I might be fucked over in the end. They’re changing what happens to you when you join the Guard and now they’re trying to make me be put in some strange newbie unit because of this change. I didn’t sign up for that. Screw them.


And there is storyline that needs to be done with SotD which just does not seem to be happening. I don’t know why. Lack of inspirational drive on my part I suppose. It just gets difficult sometimes. I want to be finished and with every passing month the weight of my B.T. worries gets heavier and heavier.

I’m sad that I’m going to miss everyone’s graduation party. Some people said they’d do theirs early, but I really don’t think that’s going to happen. I probably will have to do mine before I graduate. After I graduate, I have a week and three days until I leave and I’m not sure what I will have to do during that time. A lot of people from school will disappear over the summer. Maybe I’ll be able to get in contact with them when I get back. Maybe I won’t have to go anywhere when I get home. I want to stay in America. I want to stay in Michigan and go to college. I want to have fun role-playing out my story ideas with friends and write my stupid fanfiction.

Responsibility sucks.

No comments:

Post a Comment